I keep thinking about this quote -- inaccurately attributed to Maya Angelou (who probably wishes she had really said it first, cuz I know I do!) -- which goes, "People don't remember what you say. They remember how you made them feel."
That's the thing I wish on everyone who ever says anything to anyone, ever. Because the words only work if they bring us together, in a common understanding. Which is to say, communion.
We can beat on each other all night long, and the only result will be that we like each other less and less, whether we might have ever agreed with each other or not on any given issue or other.
What we walk away with, in the end, is either, "That person just wrote me off as an asshole, and can go fuck themselves," or "That person just treated me like a human being, and I like them, whether I agree with them or not."
The danger of "tone policing" is that people feel inhibited to express how they really feel. Which is, frankly, the problem with policing in general. But the BEAUTY of modulating your thoughts in ways that are not insulting is that you aren't walking in telling people they're pieces of shit just for disagreeing with you, or being different than you.
Research suggests that being confronted with differing ideas translates in the brain to the exact same fight-or-flight patterns we exhibit when being physically assaulted. WE US-AND-THEM ACCORDINGLY.
Point being: if the triumph of love and sanity is our common goal, then not making each other feel like shit before we even get started might be a strategy to consider.
Remembering that we're all just people.
And taking it from there.
I love everything about this. I have believed this for a long time. I hope people take your words to heart and truly consider them.
Love it. I love your post about listening too. Down South we say " you got 2 ears a.d 1 mouth for a reason so figure that shit out" but I wanted to share an ancient motto I found is just " good livin'" which is unity liberty charity...it began bc I was devastated at how people treated each other not just in person but online especially in groups who claim to gather due to like mindedness or similar beliefs. I am.not a religious A-hole but believe God is far more gracious and loving of us His creation than we give Him credit for ( his whole incarnation as a guy who got nailed to a tree to destroy death for us was a good indicator but most still miss it) and even within small groups like Christian congregations online I found ego and self righteousness amd interface amd dogmstism ruling the day. It devastated my spirit bc I distinctly remember hearing " there is no rich or poor. Bond or free, male or female, we are all ONE in Christ " yet experienced more division and ugliness calling itself love than I'd like to.admit. so I along with my dear friend Bro Luke in Vegas, that this is unacceptable as " ambassadors for Christ" idk what anyone's belief is so I'm sharing my situation for the point's sake...not to preach at anyone, btw. So we should try to have minimal.standards for " unity" so we can feel united as humans who think God is awesome and give huge amounts of " liberty" on things not compulsory for us to agree on which allows everyone in the group to disagree on things ( in this specific case doctrines, ideas about scripture, what things we feel are good or enjoyable etc) so #2 is liberty to disagree without being disagreeable( that includes not trying to slip in passive aggressive and or condescending remarks etc but genuinely accepting our views differ and that is OK and actually preferable since we would never learn anything new if we only associated with people who agree with us on everything...snore. amd #3 the charity which when I use thst term I'm speaking of the original koine Greek root charis which is kinda like agape love or unconditional graciousness amd selflessness that considers another's comfort amd needs above our own in ALL things despite whether someone agrees or disagrees bc frankly love speaks loudest and as St Paul says we can know all mysteries or have all understanding but if we speak it without love ( charity) we are as clanging cymbals. So I find a lot of us have said a lot of loud nothing hoping we would convince others we r right but we are merely noise makers...unity liberty charity has Bern a successful creed for our little group and I personally find it's also a great one to live by. Hope I didn't bore anyone w my rant but you inspired me to share Skipp. Miss and luv u Renee Roland